Halloween Store is already playing Christmas music


APPLETON, Wisc. – Local seasonal retail giant Ghouls Depot is reportedly already playing Christmas music on its sound system despite Halloween not yet technically over, sources have confirmed who believe it is far too soon.

“I enjoy the holiday spirit just as much as anyone else, but only when I consider it the most appropriate time of year and not a minute earlier,” client Blake Cody said during a last-minute purchase of Halloween costumes. “As we all know, Christmas music should start no earlier than the second Tuesday of December but no later than the Friday before the 25th, and it should end on December 28 at noon exactly. Isn’t that common knowledge? Plus, it’s a Halloween store. I want to hear ‘Monster Mash’ and random spooky piano music while walking down the aisle of costumes of political figures and cultural icons. And even though “It’s Starting to Look a Lot Like Christmas” is a great song and all, it just doesn’t have the same effect when I have to choose between a bloody severed head decoration or zombie brain party favors.

The manager of the Halloween hypermarket, Helen Shambly, didn’t really see the problem.

“This store turns into one of those Christmas-exclusive retailers at the stroke of midnight on Halloween night, so we’re getting a head start on the transition,” Shambly said. “Also, today is Halloween, which means Halloween is officially over and we can focus on the next commercially viable holiday, and it’s Jesus’ birthday. Sure, we’ve only had shoppers complaining all day about party music choices, but give it a few weeks and they’ll still be complaining that it’s too early to hear those songs. Complaining that the holiday music starts too early is what Christmas is all about.

Experts have noted that these types of retail tactics aren’t terribly new.

“Just like how climate change is making the seasons start earlier and earlier, capitalism is making Christmas music start just as early,” said economist Nancy Howles. “I once heard of a Toyota dealer who started playing Christmas music at their extravagant Labor Day event. Hell, even Mattress Depot started playing it right back at the Presidents Day sale, which happens in February. It’s like they think people will get into the buying spirit as soon as they hear “Deck the Halls.” They are not wrong.

As of press time, Ghouls Depot compromised with disgruntled customers by simultaneously streaming Christmas and Halloween-themed music on the AP.


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